This is the way it will be

I finally thought of a New Year's resolution.
Here it is: I will stop wasting smiles on random people in the street.
This may seem like a no-brainer for people who have their shit together but it has taken me a while to realise that sending a friendly grin in the general direction of every berk I pass on my way to work is taking it's toll.
Why, when I smile at you do you look at me like I'm a freak? It's not a come-on you arrogant nob. It's a friendly human gesture.
Well, whatever. I don't need this shit. Fuck you guys. Screw the pleasantries, get out of my way. If I'm walking on the left of the path I will stay to the left of the path and I will not move for you.
If you walk past me and your dog gets in my way. I won't smile benignly with a look on my face that says 'oh no worries that your dog just interrupted my walk, I'm cool with that cause I'm the kind of person that just lies down and takes that crap'. I will cast you a withering glare.
Is this the world you all want? hmmm?

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Hey, Howard sacked Amanda Vandstone. I hope she's absolutely devastated and falls into a deep depression.

I finished reading Dave Eggers' new novel last night, What is the What. Oh lordy. What a great writer, he's doing good things with his life. In my infinite self-obsession I spent half an hour after I finished reading lamenting my own wasted life, but then, as a testament to Dave E's talent as a story-teller I felt positive and ready for action. The book tells the real-life story of Valentino Achak Deng, a Sudanese refugee. Warning: it's about Africa (read: it's totally beautiful, devastating and heartbreaking). Buy it, read it.
That's enough proselytising.

One Reason (among many) Why I'll Never Be Cool

When I'm at work I listen to my Ipod, on shuffle. I have about 2000 songs, of which many could be considered very lame. I'm not talking the kind of lame songs that people talk about in an effort to actually sound cool. Like songs off Pet Sounds or some early track by the Sugarhill Gang. Nope, I'm talking Paul McCartney and Crowded House, James Taylor and Rickie Lee Jones.

I actually really love singing along to My Best Friend's Girl by The Cars and I know all the words to Someday Never Comes by Creedence Clearwater Revival. If you get me drunk enough I'll not only bore you stupid with the reasons why Paul McCartney was the best Beatle, I'll also be borderline aggressive. Go on, try me.

Once on a road trip through the Scottish Highlands my family shamelessly belted out every single lyric from every track off the Crowded House greatest hits album. We're talking eyes closed, heads thrown back...imagine.
My brother's mortified (now ex – go figure) girlfriend sat between Patrick and I in the back seat, regretting ever meeting any of us.

My parents will still drive around the leafy middle-class suburbs of Canberra, in their white, middle-class station wagon with Jackson Browne blaring from the speakers.

These are my personal favourite sing-along songs and may also be considered the reason why I'm never asked to DJ at parties:

River by Joni Mitchell
Into Temptation by Crowded House
Hearts & Bones by Paul Simon
Maybe I'm Amazed by Paul McCartney
Chuck E.'s in Love by Rickie Lee Jones

You think you can do better than that? (Ben, I know you can)

Ready, Steady, Cock

Why is this fuckstick on television?
Really, WHY?
In my television-watching history no one human has ever pissed me off the way this total nob has.
He completely ruins what would otherwise be a kick-ass show. Ready, Steady, Cook rocks – the concept is gold, the chefs are pros, the timeframe is spot on, the audience participation is perfectly managed but all of this is TOTALLY fucked up by the completely useless host.

Here are some examples of his uselessness:

• he can't read (listen to him try and interpret the cue cards, which, incidentally are almost exactly the same every show).
• he doesn't know ANYTHING about cooking. NOTHING.
• he touches everyone inappropriately. Keep your hands to yourself you letch.
• he continuously interrupts the chefs to ask them questions that a monkey could answer. Eg, Peter: so what are you doing now? Genuis chef who has been running his own highly successful city restaurant for 20 years: boiling water. Dickwad.
• he giggles like a 12-year-old private-school boy every time a vegetable is produced that in any way resembles a certain part of a man's anatomy. Oh we get it, you're gay, and that zucchini looks like a penis. What a fucking hilarious gag. I mean really...GROW THE FUCK UP.

The man is a moron. I'd rather watch Naomi Robson interviewing fat teenage mums on welfare who are running a Nigerian banking scam.

I challenge anyone to watch 15 minutes of the show and not feel murderous rage.

On a lighter note, how good is the cricket? Seriously, I love watching the English get beaten. If Matthew Hayden wasn't a christian, I'd be a little bit in love.

The Best Meals of 2006

As a testament to the priorities in my life - I ate well in 2006.
The year would have been far less enjoyable without the following meals.

• Ben's Fennel pasta – fresh fennel + goat's cheese + prosciutto + chilli + peas + cream + linguine = happiness.
• Dan dan noodles at Xiao Ting Box on Victoria St, Richmond – the Shanghainese version of spaghetti bolognaise, hot hot hot and totally delicious.
• BLT – just check it out
• Wild mushroom pizza at Ladro, Fitzroy – Each time I go to Ladro I try to order a different pizza in an effort to broaden my horizons but somehow this pizza ends up in front of me. It must be love.
• Bún bò xào at Than Ha, Victoria St, Richmond – I overdosed on pho in 2005 so I was forced to find an alternative. Here it is: rice vermicelli with stir-fried beef, chilli and lemongrass. Fresh, tasty and utterly satisfying.
  
  Honourable mentions go to: Pete and Celia's rabbit stew with spring vegetables; my favourite lunchtime roll with salami, cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato and beetroot; and my chilli (the absolute ultimate in comfort food – it has really never failed me).